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Happy new year

imageToday I was reading in Wikipedia about Michael Jackson and his stage accidents. At home I used to read newspaper daily and one day I read about some sexual abuse thing related to Michael Jackson , that time I was unaware of his profession and all …. Just thought about him as some bad person …. But now I am older and I learnt that we Should never merge profession and personal life together.

i listened his songs and they are awesome … I did some research and come to know that he was really dedicated to his work … His music…  But I feel he was kind of loner, he was hungry for love which he never got or maybe it’s just me thinking too much…

but I do have ability to know which person is a loner and needs a friend …. Although I was loner till Sid came…

I have to go home after 5 months and I don’t know whether I will be able to meet Sid again or not… My life will be in chaos this year… But I will fight till the end…

i talked to Sid’s younger sister and she is really a nice person with whom I love chatting… And somehow I thought her as my own little sister…

Today she was the first person who wished me happy new year , then Sid did and somehow my sweet,cute bro also managed to wish me…

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Sometimes…

Sometimes you have to hide your love from people you care most, I have to hide it from my parents. Me and Sid do dreams about having a life together. “Marriage” name doesn’t matter to me, I can stay in live-in relationship with Sid forever. I really do love him.
Sometimes in my dreams my parents agrees about our marriage and we went on world tour, we died together.
I don’t want to live a day on this earth without Sid, it doesn’t matter if he is not with me because then I will have hope of meeting him someday. I never knew love was such a deep thing, it crosses the barrier of our bodies and makes our soul entangled. Was there ever two souls? It seems like we were parts of same one.
Recently I read a article related to “kissing in public ” thing. In India showing love towards your girlfriend/boyfriend is not seen as a normal thing. India is full of such orthodox, Girls are supposed to be Virgin before there marriage but boy can see other girls with lustful eyes even after marriage . Here marriage is a business, and mind it this is not a business of love.
I love someone and I want to marry him, what is wrong in that?
It’s my body and it’s my damn right to have sex with whoever I wants… Why this is a such a deal! Sometimes I think that it is normal for us to see guys without shirt and no one seems to bother about it but if some girl do the same thing then it’s bad.
Why ?
I have nipple so does boys … Mine are just bigger but why does it matter. Why breast are taken as a symbol of sexuality..

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Brave

brave_meridaWell I am not that much say experienced to describe what is love ? but sometimes I think I have felt it in different forms

8 years ago me and my mother were going to market on my bicycle, she was sitting in back and I was driving. Suddenly a slop came and speed of my bicycle got increased so much that i was not able to handle it, as a result me and my mom fall down on road. My mother was behind me and there was lot of traffic on that day… the only thing she thought about at that moment was “somehow she should protect me”  and she pushed me off the road,  on the other hand I was not able to think anything at that moment due to shock. Somehow after this day I started to respect and love my mother more because she value my life more than her this is her pure love towards me and our whole family.

My father has some of his fault but he really does love me but somehow I don’t feel protected around him… Actually I usually don’t feel safe around any boy except my two younger brothers and Sid… these three boys are the only one I can ever trust, I can tell them anything but I choose to not tell my brothers about Sid and mine intimacy level :-p

With Sid things are really too good to be true. Sometimes I have to pinch myself just to be sure that all are real but I don’t  know how things will turn around for in future, either I will stay forever with  him in this beautiful dream or I will dream about this time all my life.

I know I have to be brave but it’s just too difficult to brave when the truth of your happiness can turn smiles of your loved ones into tears. All my cousin sisters are in love with someone but due to our family restrictions nobody is able to say anything about it … every year someone’s heart got broken and they are entering in marriage with ashes of their love. I just don’t know  how to be that brave…

I don’t know but can it happen that love of mother will suddenly vanish after knowing truth about sid or is it possible for my father to sleep without knowing that i am happy ?

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Death

blog-247-copySometimes we come through some incidents in our life which make us realise that whatever we gain in our life, in the end we are all losers in the  battle of life and death.

One of my distant relative (distance in term of relation but close in terms of heart)  is suffering from cancer right now. Doctor said that she can live for one or two months. I was shocked and sad when my father told me this news over phone. When my mother was 8 year old, her mother passed away… So, technically my mother knew nothing of motherly love… whenever she goes to her father’s home she always sees her bahbhi (wife of brother) giving small-small gift to her daughters. Although my mother’s bahbhi always claims to be unpartial towards my mother but you will know partiality when you see it .

So this relative who is suffering from cancer always show lot of respect towards my mother and love towards me. She is good person . She have cancer in her kidney and doctor said that they can’t save her even after removing kidney as she is in last state (well we can never knew whether she can be saved or not because we are not  wealthy people ).

deathbed2Right now her stomach is looking yellow in colour(like it is getting rotten/decaying  from inside ), she is not eating anything from last 15 days and i don’t know what to do. In these type of scenario i always got tensed about health of my loved ones. I know death inevitable but it is really difficult to just accept it. It is really difficult to accept that people you knew from starting are not going to be with you till the end . Life is not easy but death is not i look forward to.

Last night i was watching one youtube videos in which steve jobs was giving lecture in some graduation ceremony, there he said that we should listen  to our inner voice regarding the decision that what we want to do with our life. My biggest fear is  die without doing something i really want. I know i don’t want to do things i am doing  right now… college,job.. i always wanted to go somewhere in isolation .. away from all the chains from this world to just absorb  beauty of nature but till now i am unable to find guts to leave everything behind,.

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It’s my life !!!

imageSince I am in my last year of college my father wants me to apply for lot of jobs. He thinks in this way I will save my time to get settled in life. Well upto some point he is right, in his life time due to early marriage and other things he was supposed to find a job as soon as possible but that constraint is not here in my case. Before meeting Sid my aim of life was simple … Get a good job!!! I was living to complete my parents dreams But ever since I meet Sid my way of thinking is changed, now I want to think about my dreams also.
I don’t know for how long I am going to live but I don’t want to waste my years in order to live the way I am expected. I don’t want to get married for at least 5-6 years , I don’t want to have children early because right now I am a child too… I want to see the world, want to see beautiful places which I saw in Google images or books… There are so many things to see or do …. I want to be free…

But I am not allowed to live MY LIFE in MY WAY … My parents will try or force me to have some good job ( you know emotional blackmailing about how much money, time and everything in there life they spent on us ) after this my parent will try to find some guy for me to marry and I am supposed to accept the guy they choose for me without any question..
Come on this is so bad that I am not able to choose the person I want to spend rest of my life… If they come to know about Sid they will forcefully marry me with some person.
I know right now I am not mature but this doesn’t mean that they should pick some guy for me … I think they should wait till when I feel like I am mature enough to find guy for myself … I know mistakes are part of our being but it wrong to stop making choices due to fear of mistakes …

imageI love Sid and I think I am ready to spend my whole life with him… I know we have to make some compromises in order to be with each other … We are bound to fight and forget but I will be happy with him … He is my other half and I know no one can never take his place …
I love him and it is not possible for me to marry someone … I don’t know how to tell my parents about him…

My parents are good people, they always loved me but I think it is curse to be born in India … Mine and sid’s caste are different … This fact never bother us but I know this will be going to be the reason of my parents of refusal.
And I love both my parents and Sid..

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Her Apology

When you have boyfriend like Sid , you are bound to have emotions of jealousy from the girls staring at him… Well many or say most of times I discussed about Trisha ,Sid’s ex in this blog.

Well she sent a apology message to Sid ….but why???  It’s been almost two years since me and Sid are in relationship … Why after two years she suddenly did that … Although she always shoots death glare to me , if looks could kill than I would have been dead person. Then why sudden behaviour towards Sid ?

imageI don’t know what  to feel towards this apology … Does she wants Sid to forget everything and come to her since she seriously lacks some “boys” to follow her around like a lost puppy( members of her admire group are either in relationship with some good girl or they got someone else to admire ). Well this sudden decrease in popularity leaves Trisha devastated since she thought that she can make anyone( of course boy) dance on her fingers and here no one is looking twice at her. Since all this happens after her breakup with Sid she held me responsible for her “boyfriend less” condition, well if she can loose jewel like Sid then why will anyone come to her . Sid is most handsome guy in my college and I  seriously don’t know why he loves me but I love him from my heart because he is the one every girl wishes for and I am  lucky to have him.

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One Day

Cartoon - BoredomIt was simple One day when out of my boredom I decided to open my FB account (well all of my friends were busy with their summer projects and i kind of watched all serials in my collection) and that time a guy named Sid was Online ,I heard lot of stories about Sid from my classmate Sumit… According to Sumit , Sid is genius in computer and he have a vast collection of hard drives with lot of Serials… So I don’t know why but this was how all things started (chat … my emotions or things i were thinking that time will be in bracket) :
Me : hi

(I don’t know but i wanted to talked to someone that time and no one else was online … it’s not like i was hunting for bf … i was just feeling lonely)

Sid: hi

Me: Your in clg right now …..?

(Suddenly i realized that i wanted to watch serial “the tudors” and it will take lot of time to download four seasons so i thought if Sid have them then i will take it from him… but i was feeling guilty that i am talking to him first time and directly asking for something )

Sid: Nope I am in x clg doing summer project… do you want something ?

Me: yeah but if you are not here then .. leave it

Sid:No tell me .. i can still do it

Me: Actually i wanted this serial called “The tudors”… Do you have it on any of your hard drive … i heard about you from my friend sumit …?

Sid: No i don’t have it on my harddrive but there is a guy called ronny i will ask him .. he will definitely help you 🙂

(I was feeling very guilty that time)

Me: ok … Who is he…?

1This how our story started (mine and sid) of course there were lot of twist and turns but i think i did found my other half 🙂
Sometimes I wonder how can someone comes so close to me that i am able to trust him and can tell anything , everything to him …

and seems impossible to stay without him….

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