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Death

blog-247-copySometimes we come through some incidents in our life which make us realise that whatever we gain in our life, in the end we are all losers in the  battle of life and death.

One of my distant relative (distance in term of relation but close in terms of heart)  is suffering from cancer right now. Doctor said that she can live for one or two months. I was shocked and sad when my father told me this news over phone. When my mother was 8 year old, her mother passed away… So, technically my mother knew nothing of motherly love… whenever she goes to her father’s home she always sees her bahbhi (wife of brother) giving small-small gift to her daughters. Although my mother’s bahbhi always claims to be unpartial towards my mother but you will know partiality when you see it .

So this relative who is suffering from cancer always show lot of respect towards my mother and love towards me. She is good person . She have cancer in her kidney and doctor said that they can’t save her even after removing kidney as she is in last state (well we can never knew whether she can be saved or not because we are not  wealthy people ).

deathbed2Right now her stomach is looking yellow in colour(like it is getting rotten/decaying  from inside ), she is not eating anything from last 15 days and i don’t know what to do. In these type of scenario i always got tensed about health of my loved ones. I know death inevitable but it is really difficult to just accept it. It is really difficult to accept that people you knew from starting are not going to be with you till the end . Life is not easy but death is not i look forward to.

Last night i was watching one youtube videos in which steve jobs was giving lecture in some graduation ceremony, there he said that we should listen  to our inner voice regarding the decision that what we want to do with our life. My biggest fear is  die without doing something i really want. I know i don’t want to do things i am doing  right now… college,job.. i always wanted to go somewhere in isolation .. away from all the chains from this world to just absorb  beauty of nature but till now i am unable to find guts to leave everything behind,.

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It’s my life !!!

imageSince I am in my last year of college my father wants me to apply for lot of jobs. He thinks in this way I will save my time to get settled in life. Well upto some point he is right, in his life time due to early marriage and other things he was supposed to find a job as soon as possible but that constraint is not here in my case. Before meeting Sid my aim of life was simple … Get a good job!!! I was living to complete my parents dreams But ever since I meet Sid my way of thinking is changed, now I want to think about my dreams also.
I don’t know for how long I am going to live but I don’t want to waste my years in order to live the way I am expected. I don’t want to get married for at least 5-6 years , I don’t want to have children early because right now I am a child too… I want to see the world, want to see beautiful places which I saw in Google images or books… There are so many things to see or do …. I want to be free…

But I am not allowed to live MY LIFE in MY WAY … My parents will try or force me to have some good job ( you know emotional blackmailing about how much money, time and everything in there life they spent on us ) after this my parent will try to find some guy for me to marry and I am supposed to accept the guy they choose for me without any question..
Come on this is so bad that I am not able to choose the person I want to spend rest of my life… If they come to know about Sid they will forcefully marry me with some person.
I know right now I am not mature but this doesn’t mean that they should pick some guy for me … I think they should wait till when I feel like I am mature enough to find guy for myself … I know mistakes are part of our being but it wrong to stop making choices due to fear of mistakes …

imageI love Sid and I think I am ready to spend my whole life with him… I know we have to make some compromises in order to be with each other … We are bound to fight and forget but I will be happy with him … He is my other half and I know no one can never take his place …
I love him and it is not possible for me to marry someone … I don’t know how to tell my parents about him…

My parents are good people, they always loved me but I think it is curse to be born in India … Mine and sid’s caste are different … This fact never bother us but I know this will be going to be the reason of my parents of refusal.
And I love both my parents and Sid..

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